Trantasia

So... there are some amazing advertisements at the start of this DVD for juicy hot man-on-man action from 1985. Seriously, it's like amazingly bad video quality ported over from a VHS that's been watched 200 times. They are AWESOME.

This DVD was released just last year, but right up front you find out that the scenes were shot in 2003 and 2004. Basically, they threw this together hoping that you'd buy this instead of a recently released documentary of the same name.

Which is sad, because the documentary looks lovely and I want to see it. And this movie, well, is a piece of crap.

OK, let's get on with the porn.

THALITA

Hilarious dancing in a 1980s condo. The video is like totally pixellated and crappy while she gyrates around to some amazingly bad music.

Then out comes the big cock... and she keeps dancing as it flops around between her legs. No joke. This is their intro to the scene. LOLOL.

It's all downhill from here, folks.

So we get this dude calling her after seeing her photos on the Internet, because hot girls always put photos of themselves on the Internet along with their phone numbers. Well, I guess they do in Mexico, because they're speaking Spanish.

Suddenly the cameras pull back, and the dude is in the same room where the chick was dancing. Like, seriously, they set up a desk in the same room, and she just walks in. I think they're just pretending these are different locations or something.

So they rub their lips together for a while. They're not kissing. What the fuck?

Why kiss when you can just rub your lips on each other?

Anyway, she's kind of hot and they move over to this super cheap looking couch. The guy has a very big cock and she AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

She's ... um ... lactating? And... squeezing ... drops out.

There ain't nothin' like some surprise lactation!

*faints*

OH MY GOD SHE'S STILL DOING IT STOP IT

*cries*

So then the guy grabs her cock and pulls it back between her legs to suck on it. How it's bending that way, I am really not sure. It's pretty hard too.

Finally the guy starts buttfucking her, and it's OK. She's still hard, too, which is a plus. I just wish I could recover from the other thing...

The sex is actually pretty good here.

She cums on herself while making sounds reminiscent of a honking goose. The guy cums in her ass and it drips out. Then she stuck her finger in her ass and licked it. Nice.

Next, she's in the shower. Like, this is three minutes of her taking an actual shower. Why?

Even Thalita doesn't know why we're seeing this.

ANDREA MEL

More dancing! And guess what? It's the same couch with an orange blanket on it. LULZ.

Dance, dance, and ew, lots of pubes...

And now we're outside! With a dog! She's petting her dog and his crotch and he's petting her dog while he rubs her tits. OK, this is SUPER WEIRD WHAT THE FUCK.

What do you mean it's not sexy to rub people and dogs
in the same way at the exact same time?!

They walk hand in hand... with the dog, who is clearly confused. And then they cross a street. And then they walk into a building with the dog. Wow. Best porn ever.

And now they're back to where she was initially dancing.

Thankfully the dog has disappeared.

Andrea gives some good head here with the sweet sounds of Kenny G in the background.

She's got skillz and OH MY she needs to shave that bush around her cock.

Good lawd, it's like blonde Chewbacca down there.

This dude's cock is just like the other guy's - super long and skinny. Weird.

More ass sex, but her cock isn't hard in this one. She also does some nice ass to mouth action.

Another anal cream pie, and we're done. Oh wait, there's a fart. Except it wasn't her. I think it was the guy! LOL.

She licks up some of the cum. And then we get to watch her take a shower! What. And then... we watch her peeing in a toilet. Double what.

There ain't nothin' like some surprise urination!

Interesting that they don't advertise that this film is full of anal cream pies... I'd think that would be a selling point. Oh wait, they wouldn't want to detract from their whole "we're trying to sell you a fake documentary" thing.

KARLA

More dancing, more of the same couch. You get it.

They all seem to be Latinas with natural (small) titties. Again, you'd think you'd want to advertise that.

Guess what, Karla has a dog too! She drops the leash and does not pursue the dog, but instead looks concerned. I'd be concerned too if my limbs stopped functioning.

Why worry about your lost dog when there's strange
creepy men to randomly feel you up in public?

Luckily, she asks a man for help (I think) and miraculously regains the use of her body for some ass fucking.

You can also see the line where they stopped painting the set wall to make it look like a different room. LOL.

Karla is not so great at the cocksucking. Whatever, I don't care right now. They 69 for a while and then he fucks her while she makes Spanish exclamations. She's not hard either, so there's lots of flopping about. Flop flop flop.

She goes FAKE ASS TO MOUTH. Boo to you, Karla. I saw that cut. But then she really does it, so I'm thinking it was just an accident for the first one.

If only this were as bad as it got.

And another ass cream pie, it's pretty nasty, and... we cut to her, now hard. And the scene's over. No, really, that's how they ended it. And back to the shower! Done.

Carolina Mancine

Carolina dances in a room that is very poorly painted. She's in front of a white bed which is probably the couch folded down with a blanket over it.

Her panties have... eyes. And a button nose.

The best thing about this whole porn, right here.
You think I'm joking, don't you?

OK, she's dancing and suddenly she's on the bed with a naked man. She's got no boobies at all though. They're kissing but it's so disgusting I kind of wish they were faking it like the first people.

Now there's another dude, and everyone acts really surprised. There's talking, but there's no sound. And then he whips out his cock. This is an interesting, poorly painted fantasyland.

Now she's sucking both cocks. She's not all that great, but they're being a little dommy with her, which is nice. They put both cocks in her mouth at once for much of it, and then there is some ass fucking.

If only her cocksucking was good enough to deserve that.

She seems to think anal is a bit unpleasant, and there are lots of shots of cocks bulging the side of her mouth out. She's not hard throughout.

OK, there's... double anal. And why not? It's a perfectly natural, easy, non-impossible thing to do.

Enjoy all 20 seconds you see of this, because apparently it
was too impossible to continue on with. Y'THINK?

And then they cut to a different position. Guess it didn't work for long. Still, I was impressed.

Most unfortunately, she then turns her ass inside out. No kidding, you see things you SHOULD NOT SEE. EVER.

I'm permanently scarred.

And now you can be permanently scarred, too.

GISELE

Yes, one of the guys calls himself BRUNO MAX. Because either word is just not manly enough on its own.

I predict dancing!

Yep, I'm right.

Same couch, and OH MY GOD, this one guy is wearing amazing ripped acid washed jean shorts. And she's playing with his cock through one of the holes!! LOLOL.

What do you mean "that's not sexy"?
This entire movie is sexy!

So yeah, two guys, don't know who is who, don't really care.

One of them starts fingering her ass, and he's like spitting and rubbing it all over her ass.

She's not all that great at cocksucking, but she works both cocks for a while, and then gets assfucked by both of them, as you might expect. She's uncut and not hard.

They both stop fucking her and start jacking off, but then one of them cums in her ass, and she squirts it out, just like everybody else. She thankfully does not turn her ass inside out, but it's kind of yellow and grooooooooooss.

Special Features

None.

Litereally. NONE. You can watch the movie or do scene selection. That's it.

Wrap-Up

The good: Well... I liked those panties with eyes on them. And Thalita was kind of hot

The bad: Why all the random gyrations before every scene? Why surprise lactation and urination? Why dogs? Why asses turned inside-out? Why creampies with literal shit mixed in with them? Why showers? WHY WHY WHY?

Final grade: F

Look, I love transsexuals. And I love anal creampies. And I like showers. Who doesn't like showers? And anal gapes are hot. And dogs are cute. And pee play can be fun.

But WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE?

I am surprised and dismayed that Vivid would release such a piece of utter trash clearly just trying to cash in on any publicity the documentary may have picked up. That's disgraceful, especially when they clearly just dug up all the shitty scenes they had lying around that were too crappy to put into any other movies.

Good lord.

I fear permanent damage to your sexuality, should you watch this movie beginning to end. Just... just don't.

And tell me how the documentary is, please? I picked this up on accident and boy am I sorry.